Wedding All-Stars

 

This past weekend I had the privilege of watching my brother marry a wonderful girl.  As I was preparing for the big day I thought back to what seems like the millions of weddings I have been to.  As a wedding dj I have seen beautiful, bizarre, one-of-a-kind, and jaw-dropping (both good and bad) sights.

I’ve noticed that there are certain “personalities” that are present at almost every wedding. Here is a list of the 6 kinds of people you may run into at your next reception.  You will never people-watch at a wedding the same way again.

Behold! My list of Wedding All-Stars:

1. The Creep Dancer

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife.  You know this guy.  The Creep Dancer is usually a middle-aged white man who has a hankerin’ to dance…and by dance I mean sneak up behind someone and grind on them like a pepper mill.  The Creep Dancer may be inappropriate, but he doesn’t discriminate.  He dances belly to belly with no preference of age or race and doesn’t care if you came to the wedding with a date or a husband- ’cause he’s coming for YOU.

2. The Old Maid

The Old Maid Wedding All-Star doesn’t necessarily have to be old.  In fact, she is usually the same age as the bride and feels left behind by the recent transition her friend has made from “single gal” to “wife.”

You can recognize an Old Maid by the noises she makes.  They usually have a slight air of happiness mixed with 100 decibels of desperation.  Frequent phrases are : “Now I’m the only one left in the unmarried club!”, “What’s it like to have someone love you?” and “Does the groom have any single friends?  No? Well, are any of them in unhappy marriages?”  Nothing says “congratulations” like a guilt trip for finding love.  She may also be seen throwing elbows at the bouquet toss.

3. That Guy

I once d.j.’d a wedding where the groom missed the last dance because he was outside loading his best man into an ambulance because he had 68 too many drinks.  Good choice of moral character, groom.  Good choice.

This All-Star isn’t always in the wedding party, however.  Keep an eye out for several clues and you will be able to spot him in no time.  If there is an open bar, he will be triple-fisting drinks.  If there is no open bar, he will have his own flask filled with straight tequila.  His favorite activities at a reception are: drinking, fighting, fist-pumping, inappropriately dancing with the elderly, drinking, breaking things and drinking.  Cheer up, Old Maids-this guy’s a keeper!

4. The Town Crier

I get emotional at weddings, but this All-Star takes crying to another level.  The Town Crier is usually the Maid of Honor.  When it is time to give the speech, she is so overcome with emotions that none of the words are audible, and it usually ends up sounding like this:

 

5. The Golden Oldies

These two love birds make you feel inadequate for never fighting in a world war.  They’ve been married for 40+ years and put everyone on the dance floor to shame.  They fox-trot, swing the mood and two-step past all the whipper snappers and their pathetic cha cha slides.   They serve as a constant reminder that there is only one great generation, and it ain’t ours.

6. The Mom Dancer

She’s been packing lunches, doing dishes and carpooling for the past 298 days.  She’s pulled on her spanx and utilized the open bar.  She’s toe-tapping to “Get Low.”  Watch Out.

Do you recognize anyone on this list?  If you recognized yourself, don’t feel too bad.  You’ve provided hours of entertainment for the other guests.

 

 

Are there any other wedding personalities that I’ve missed?  Leave a comment with your own observations.

Girlbrains- The Stalker

This is the first official Girlbrains post.  I hope you enjoy it!

We have two obvious points to discuss here.

1.  She is, without a doubt, STALKING this boy!  Poor Max.  Poor theatre-loving, minding-his-own-business, completely-oblivious-to-the-danger-he’s-in Max.  Did you think it was just coincidence that every single show you were in also involved Susie?  You know Susie, the girl who laughed hysterically at every joke you made.  The girl you always caught trying to make eye contact with you. The girl who just happened to be hanging out by your locker in between every period, even though her locker was two floors above yours.  The girl who always seemed to “tie her shoes” at the exit to the theatre, and always finished right as you walked by.  The girl who started the rumor that your girlfriend was a lesbian.  The girl you caught trying to snip a locket of hair off your head.  She just wanted to get to know you better.  I hope Max is still alive.

2.  “I just melt whenever he’s near.”  William Shakespeare called.  He vomited and then hung up.

For the males reading this:

You always wanted to know how a woman’s mind works, right? Well, THIS IS HOW IT STARTS OUT!  Obsession.  If you ever have daughters, teach them to be ambitious.  Ambition is a good thing.  Tracking and hunting humans, however, should be discouraged.