The Witch Hunt for Beauty

I’m no Kim Kardashian. In addition to never having made a sex tape that shot me and my galaxy-quaking booty to celebrity status, I’m not a girly-girl. Kim loves make-up, dresses, shoes, hair products and glamour. I’m what can best be described as a “guyly girl.” I take the man approach to my appearance.

Do I have toothpaste on my face?” Are inappropriate parts of my body showing? Is my mustache unkempt?

If the answer to all of these questions is ‘no’, I’m ready to head outside-and honestly, I’d be lying if I said I never found little speckles of Crest on my face hours into my day.

I’ve always respected girls who take the time to get gussied up, and know how to get gussied up well. That has never been a forte of mine. Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m an attractive person, but I just have never cared enough to make an effort to look nice on most days. I credit my loving family and my inherent naiveté for bestowing to me an impressive amount of self-esteem for my physical self.

When I was a child I used to think that wearing make up was a type of sin. Side note: I went to a Catholic school grades K-12, so I literally thought it could be a sin.

Why would anyone want to change the way they look? God wanted you to look a certain way, and you’re perfect the way you are. Makeup changes what you’re supposed to look like. Why mess with something that’s already perfect?

That feeling lasted right up until I got my first set of volcanic pimple colonies that decided to loudly and proudly take residence on my forehead. They still visit me three to four times a month. Bastards.

Even when puberty started deflating my confidence and made me crave attention from boys, I just couldn’t bring myself to make the effort to spruce up my looks. There were rumors that some girls woke up three hours before they had to leave just to curl their hair and make sure their make up was perfect. Was I jealous of their perfectly coiffed hair and glossy lips? Of course. But Holy-Beauty-Sleep-Batman, who has time for that?

When I was in college, I thought I would take my newly found freedom and my years of nonexistent beauty expertise out for a test drive. I was going to attempt the mecca of all beauty adventures: it was time to dye my hair. (Mistake #1)

My reasoning: My hair is brown but my eye brows are black. Shouldn’t the curtains match the valances?

Before I reveal how horrific this endeavor proved to be, let me say this: thank God I didn’t attempt to dye my eyebrows brown! I’m sure I would have ended up looking like this guy:

hey sexy

I, Lady Beautynoob, needed assistance with this quest, so I quickly appointed the two most qualified candidates for the job: my two dude friends. Their skateboarding skills and insatiable competitive drive to out-fart each other didn’t seem to align with the beauty aspect of this adventure, but they were endearing.

I let them pick out the box of dye. (Mistake #2)

The color: Black Pearl. (Mistake #3). Did you know that the word “pearl” ,as related to hair dye, is not a noun but an adjective? As in “Shiny as a pearl.” As in “So shiny you will look like you used Turtle Wax as conditioner.” As in “Your hair will look like a Halloween witch’s wig.”

The resounding silence after I finished drying my new noir locks should have been my first hint that I had made a terrible mistake. Re-cue my naiveté; it couldn’t be that bad.

Dudefriend #1: It….looks…good?

Dudefriend #2: Yea…..I think you…..you pull it off?….yeah, you totally pull it off…

Dudefriend #1: …..Totally…

Hair that has been treated by a box of grocery store hair dye feels like a bale of hay that has been microwaved, sliced with rusty sporks and laid out to bake in the Sahara.  My mane was very, very mad at me.

So I did the only thing a girl who doesn’t care about her appearance can do when her witch hair is crying out for respite: nothing.  For seven months I just let my hair do it’s thing.  It grew and grew and before I knew it I had about four inches of brown roots on top of my head, trying to catch up to the 12+ inches of witch hair below.

I didn’t realize I had done anything wrong until I came home on summer break.  I hadn’t seen my high school friend in about a year and was excited to have her come over.  When I opened the door to let her in the first words out of her mouth were not “Hi! I missed you!”  Instead, she immediately blurted “Oh no.  We need to fix this.”

I’m so glad I have women in my life that know what to do in hairy beauty situations.  Under the steady hand of a trained hair professional my locks returned to brown.  But my beauty apathy levels have stayed relatively the same.

My hair keeps slowly wrapping itself around my neck, which means it’s almost time for a haircut.  I think it’s just trying to enact revenge for the black pearl incident.  Honestly, I don’t blame it.  I think I’ll just ask the stylist to do whatever she thinks would look the best.  I wonder what Kim Kardashian would have to say.

Do you have any hilarious beauty mishap stories?  Are you a ‘Guyly Girl’ too?  Comment below!

Wedding All-Stars

 

This past weekend I had the privilege of watching my brother marry a wonderful girl.  As I was preparing for the big day I thought back to what seems like the millions of weddings I have been to.  As a wedding dj I have seen beautiful, bizarre, one-of-a-kind, and jaw-dropping (both good and bad) sights.

I’ve noticed that there are certain “personalities” that are present at almost every wedding. Here is a list of the 6 kinds of people you may run into at your next reception.  You will never people-watch at a wedding the same way again.

Behold! My list of Wedding All-Stars:

1. The Creep Dancer

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife.  You know this guy.  The Creep Dancer is usually a middle-aged white man who has a hankerin’ to dance…and by dance I mean sneak up behind someone and grind on them like a pepper mill.  The Creep Dancer may be inappropriate, but he doesn’t discriminate.  He dances belly to belly with no preference of age or race and doesn’t care if you came to the wedding with a date or a husband- ’cause he’s coming for YOU.

2. The Old Maid

The Old Maid Wedding All-Star doesn’t necessarily have to be old.  In fact, she is usually the same age as the bride and feels left behind by the recent transition her friend has made from “single gal” to “wife.”

You can recognize an Old Maid by the noises she makes.  They usually have a slight air of happiness mixed with 100 decibels of desperation.  Frequent phrases are : “Now I’m the only one left in the unmarried club!”, “What’s it like to have someone love you?” and “Does the groom have any single friends?  No? Well, are any of them in unhappy marriages?”  Nothing says “congratulations” like a guilt trip for finding love.  She may also be seen throwing elbows at the bouquet toss.

3. That Guy

I once d.j.’d a wedding where the groom missed the last dance because he was outside loading his best man into an ambulance because he had 68 too many drinks.  Good choice of moral character, groom.  Good choice.

This All-Star isn’t always in the wedding party, however.  Keep an eye out for several clues and you will be able to spot him in no time.  If there is an open bar, he will be triple-fisting drinks.  If there is no open bar, he will have his own flask filled with straight tequila.  His favorite activities at a reception are: drinking, fighting, fist-pumping, inappropriately dancing with the elderly, drinking, breaking things and drinking.  Cheer up, Old Maids-this guy’s a keeper!

4. The Town Crier

I get emotional at weddings, but this All-Star takes crying to another level.  The Town Crier is usually the Maid of Honor.  When it is time to give the speech, she is so overcome with emotions that none of the words are audible, and it usually ends up sounding like this:

 

5. The Golden Oldies

These two love birds make you feel inadequate for never fighting in a world war.  They’ve been married for 40+ years and put everyone on the dance floor to shame.  They fox-trot, swing the mood and two-step past all the whipper snappers and their pathetic cha cha slides.   They serve as a constant reminder that there is only one great generation, and it ain’t ours.

6. The Mom Dancer

She’s been packing lunches, doing dishes and carpooling for the past 298 days.  She’s pulled on her spanx and utilized the open bar.  She’s toe-tapping to “Get Low.”  Watch Out.

Do you recognize anyone on this list?  If you recognized yourself, don’t feel too bad.  You’ve provided hours of entertainment for the other guests.

 

 

Are there any other wedding personalities that I’ve missed?  Leave a comment with your own observations.