I’m an animal lover. I don’t eat meat and I try not to smush spiders. But if there were a big red button I could push to ensure that I would go the rest of my life without ever being graced by the presence of one animal, it would be the bear. Because I want people to realize the dangers these animals pose to our human race, I have put together a list of reasons why bears,if they wanted to, could wipe out humans, take over the world and wear your skin as cape. Plain and simple: bears should be feared, not respected. Respect leads to trust, and trust leads to Old Mr. Grizzly using your femur as a toothpick.
I can hear all you naive internet dwellers now: But Danielle WHY?! Bears are so cute! What’s your beef?
My “beef” is precisely what’s at stake! I like my meat to stay on my bones. Bears have two jobs on this planet:
1. CONSUME FOOD
2. HAVE BEAR BABIES THAT CONSUME FOOD
By “food” I mean ANYTHING! Bears ain’t picky. They’ll eat plants, berries, trash, preservatives, insects, birds, angry birds, boomboxes, fish, your firstborn…it doesn’t matter…IF THEY’RE HUNGRY AND SOMETHING IS NEAR THEM, THEY WILL EAT IT! They don’t care about maintaining lean physiques. Their goal is to get as fat as they can so they can hibernate when it gets cold. Those winter-hating bastards. I have to kind of admit that I’m a little jealous. I wish I could lie down for a nap in November and wake up in April. At least I wouldn’t have to wait so long in between seasons of “The Walking Dead.”
“But Danielle,” you say “Even if bears were out to eat my flesh off, they’d never be able to catch me.”
“I’d climb a tree.”
Good luck with that.
“I’d swim away.”
“Ok fine, I’ll run away.”
Bears walk on two legs faster than you can run. Once this bear was finished mocking runway models he devoured the camera man.
Our children have been disillusioned into thinking that bears are cute and cuddly. We even encourage babies to nuzzle up next to stuffed versions of these death machines in their cribs. In my opinion, every time a child hears the word “bear” or sees an image of a bear they should be immediately pinched. Then they will begin to associate bears with pain, and we no longer set our children up for shock and disappointment when they come across Mr. Blackbear at the local dumpster, try to high-five it and end up losing a limb. We owe it to our children to pinch them.
New tee-shirt sogan: SAVE A LIMB, PINCH A TEDDY BEAR CHILD.
So, please, take heed: Bears are not cuddly creatures who want to be our bffs. If there is anything you can take away from this article it’s this: Be careful when you’re in bear country (which by the way is everywhere except Australia, Africa and Antarctica). Bears are dangerous. They are hungry, mean, tree-climbing, water-swimming, fast-sashaying creatures of destruction that will digest your family faster than you can say “Teddy Ruxpin.”
I’d move to Australia, but the spiders down there are big enough to squish me.
Do you have any irrational fears of animals? If so, tell me about it in the comments section!